I Went to The Wall, Our Wall by Sgt. USMC Thomas Schick (my father)

Sgt. USMC

You couldn've been the world to me.
You'll never even know how much I wanted you to be my father.
But being a father is more than letting me call you daddy.
I took myself away from you as a form of self-protection.
Looks like it didn't work.
How is it that I feel so empty now that you're gone?
I'm plagued by all of these little thoughts,
Like, was anybody with you when you passed?
Did you even fucking care if I died?
Jesus Christ I can't stop crying and I don't know why.
Is it even possible that I miss all of the things that I wanted you to be?
They say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die.
Did I make it into any of those scenes?
For a second I was wondering if you were watching over me now..
Before it occured to me that you most likely went to Hell.
It hurts so much that I didn't even get to say goodbye.
"Do you feel like you don't have closure now?"
What a stupid fucking question...
I wish Sydelle hadn't fucked you up so much.
Maybe things could've been different.
Who's gonna' walk me down the aisle?
My children will never have a Giddo..
People ask me all the time, where my father is..
"My father passed away."
I can type it.. but I can't even say it out-loud.
I really do know what it means to love someone and yet hate them at the same time.
You used to make me feel so small and worthless.
Now I just feel alone.

I'm The Girl

Take everything away
I already stare at the empty walls all day
I must have done something royally fucked
To deserve a life so severely mucked
I just want someone to be there
To hold me at night and make everything alright
I'm a good person
I am, I know I am
But nobody understands
And they'll never know who I really am

Make It Over/Alaska

See the glow in your eye,
Can't help but wonder why
I don't make you happy anymore.
Maybe you're bored,
Maybe you're tired,
Maybe you just need a change.
So change...
Is it too late?
To tell you that I love you,
That I'm sorry,
That everything could be different.
If only I could change...
They say that actions speak louder,
But I feel like my speech is slurred,
And you only understand every other word.
Anything I could do
Would never be good enough for you...
You say you want to run away to where the grass is greener,
And fall asleep at night with the sun still shining bright.
Promises hang from every star
And the air smells so much cleaner.
But if I went with you I'd dissapoint you too.

When Autumn Calls

It was the pink that caught my eye. From the balcony of my third-floor apartment, I watched as the girl faught to keep her hat on her head. The wind won, sending the shock of color up...up...up... and placed it directly at my feet. I picked it up and was about to toss it back down to her, when I noticed how beautiful she was. She literally took my breath away, leaving me standing there like a fool, still clutching her little pink hat.

"Sir, can you please bring me my hat?" She asked, loudly.

"Sir? My God! How old do I look?" I joked. "I'll bring it right down."

I ran into the bathroom and attempted to make myself presentable. It wasn't perfect, but it would have to do. Walking down the stairs, I wondered if I should invite her up for a cup of tea. I decided that instead of coming across as friendly, it would most likely be taken as desperate.

She greeted me at the front of the building with a warm smile and said, "Thank you so much! I thought I'd be stuck with hat-hair the rest of the day."

I handed the hat back to her and replied, "No problem at all." I couldn't take my eyes off of her perfect little mouth.

"Please join me for a cup of coffee?"

"Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you or anything."

"You'd be doing me a favor, I hate sitting alone."

That's how it all began. I'm writing this now, nearly twenty years later, with my beloved wife asleep next to me in her pink-satin nightgown. I laugh now, remembering how I once thought that the wind was the victorious one.

Torn

Wave the white flag
I don't know what to do
Tomorrow could change everything
And I'm not sure that I want it to
It's a no-win situation
And either way, it seems like I lose
You say to be selfish
But I can't stand the thought of hurting you
You want me to be happy
But my heart is being torn in two
What if I make the wrong decision
Who am I to chose
I've already grown so attached
I don't think I could get by without you

His Plan

I was excited to go to St. Patrick's Cathedral. Mainly just to see what all the hoopla was about. I ran up the stairs and pulled open the heavy doors. Once inside, I was overwhelmed with the beauty and size. I walked to a pew and sat in awe. I closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed for things to be okay, to work out, to go well for a while. I asked Him to give me strength, courage and wisdom, to help me become a better person, and to watch over my loved ones and keep them safe, happy and healthy. I thanked him for all that He'd already given me and for hearing my prayers. I knew that He'd heard me. I could feel it all around me, like He'd placed his hands upon my shoulders. Somehow I knew that things were going to be okay. That He had a plan for me and that one day I would see it and it would all come together and make sense.
I still pray, not in a church, but mostly in the shower. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember. I wasn't brought up to be any certain religion and I still don't have a "chosen" religion. But I know that He hears me. And it feels good to know that no matter what, there'll always be someone there for me.

With the First Leaf That Falls

Placed the ring on the dresser
Kissed your pillow
Said goodbye
One last breath
Take it all in
Before I turn to run & hide
The smell of you lingered
On your shirt that clung to me
That clung to my heart
That entire frantic ride to Jersey
Your voice echoed in my head
You told me that you loved me
We both knew it meant goodbye
Forever?
That was the careless chance that I took
I didn't mean to break your heart
I already knew it would break mine
When the world crashed around me
You were the one who provided me cover
Love - as pure and unconditional as it could get
Was everyone right?
Was I too young, too naive, too...

It's almost 3-1/2 years since my cowardly flight
Running was all that I knew
When now all I want is to run to you
My heart flutters
As my memories with you race through my mind
Amtrack - Last stop
Knowing my life was changing
Knowing I was changing
Forever?
Waking as you took me in your arms at the station
Cold-harsh Boston wind on my face for the first time
Cappuccino with leaves falling all around us
Strolls through Common Wealth Park
Produce stands, incense and perfume
Your hand in mine...
Foreign sites, accents and cultures
Everything new and overwhelming
Yet..wonderful
Then you on your knee, your eyes shining so
And the ring that was made for my finger
A promise of love and eternal comfort
I left it there for you to find
Knew I couldn't live if looking at it without you
I didn't mean to break your heart
It was already breaking mine
Regret that will undoubtedly last a lifetime
Yet enough love in 6 months to be in me always
October's coming...
The wind is surely picking up
Does it bring you memories of me?
Can you feel that I'm coming?
Is my voice in your heart?
I can't re-write the past
But I can hope for the future

Glow

Will I always be a silver-prize?
Put an end to all these lies
Won't enable you to bring me down
I look at you and see a clown
"This debt we pay to human guile"
"With torn and bleeding hearts we smile"
I try my best to make you see
I will not simply turn and flee
Gone is the girl you used to know
Replaced one day with a warming glow

Strong Enough

Trading one addiction for another
Trying to fill the void that I feel in my heart
I need you
I miss you
I feel like I'm drowning
Please don't leave
I can't take this anymore
I can - I just don't want to
I hate this aching in my chest
Don't wanna' feel so comfortless
I'm lonely when I'm not alone
What's my destiny
What does God have planned for me
Will it all come together in the end
Did I run away too soon
Did I ruin what may very well have been the best thing in my life
Can you ever forgive me
I know I'll never forget
I don't feel strong enough
Are you
Tell me what I'm supposed to do
Was I supposed to marry you
Do you feel the way that I do
I wish I could just reach out and touch you
To feel your arms around me now
Whisper sweet words of nothingness
Mean so much yet say so little
Love me
Hold me
Save me
I'm drowning
I'm not strong enough
It didn't kill me but I don't feel any stronger
Am I gonna' end up like her
I'm so afraid of what's ahead
I don't think I can go through all of this again
I don't have it in me
I'm sick of fighting this never-ending battle
My heart hurts for you
For me
Why can't I just love and be loved
And have that be enough
Know that I love you
Make me stronger
Keep me afloat

Switch

Gonna break out and get away
From the pain you bring me everyday
You don't know me or how I feel
You're such a fucking cunt and you'll never be loved for real
How long do you think I'll wait
To tell you off and then it'll be too late
I'll already be gone, and you'll realize you were wrong
But don't worry honey, you won't miss me for too long
I'll work hard and shove it in your face
Prove that you and I are a completely different race

Gonna break out and get away
From the pain you bring me everyday
Can't wait for the day your heart fills with regret
Then you'll see what all that bitchiness helped you get
One day you'll be old and broken down
And wish you still had me to kick around
But I'll be gone and out on my own
Doing better than you could've ever known
So take this warning and make a switch
Before I kick your fucking ass, you BITCH

Mass.

How easy it would have been
For me to give you my life
My love, and my freedom
I would have given up everything for you
I did for quite a while
Waiting impatiently for you to come home
Rushing home to see you
Hiding my unhappiness
Doing anything to keep you happy
It hurts so deep inside
To think that I would have given up so much in me
If only you had stayed that sweet, wise, gentle lover I had known
If only
I would have stayed, yours
I wanted a family with you
You made that what I wanted
Because that's what you wanted
You didn't want me
You wanted a slave
Someone to use at your disgression
I needed affection
You gave me coldness and more controlling
I told you I loved you
And wanted you to mean it when you said it back
If only I would have stayed,
Yours

Fan On

Indecisive little bitch
Yeah, that's me
Don't ask me what's wrong
Because I don't know
Too much to choose from
Family
Friends
Job - or lack of
Love
Wish things were different
Wish I was closer to you
Wish I could close my eyes at night
And feel your breath on the back of my neck
Wish I could wake up in the morning
With your arms holding me close to you
The way it used to be
How much I took those times for granted
Maybe we both did
Wish things were different
Wish it didn't feel awkward now
When we say that we love eachother
In my heart I know that you love me
I can still hear it in your voice
How vulnerable you sounded
Like a scared little boy
Laying on my bed
Ashtray balanced on my stomach
A Red in my hand, calming my shaking legs
Fan on - cooling the sweat that glistens on your body
"I missed these," you say as you gently kiss my breasts
You look deep into my eyes
I look away, blushing
"What, I can't look at you now?" you ask with a sheepish grin
"Nope," I answer

Safe

Do you remember the night when we first kissed
The thunder roared
And the rain just poured
Like an endless flood of tears being released
It seemed that moment would never end
- I never wanted it to
Everything was pure and magical
My heart beat fast as a constant drum
Your eyes - they took me into your soul
Breath quivering, lips unsure
You held me
Close to you - I melted
Needing and wanting we kissed
Long and passionate - our love shining through
The moment is printed in my mind always
Still I feel your arms around me
Safe

In Between

No longer content to just sit and stare.
Would love to run my fingers through your hair.
Wanna' feel your lips on the back of my neck.
Hate that you turn me into such a nervous reck.
All this frustration is too much for me to take.
You've got me drinking SoCo & Lime for God's sake!
Where do all of my guts go when you're around?
Feel like my mouth is completely bound.
I know if I'm determined, your feelings will start to change.
But all this in-between shit's got me thinking strange.

The Doorway to Longing

She steals herself away
Closes the door and crumbles
To the floor
Her tears fall
Silent - as his shining eyes
Her heart pounds a hurried beat
Throughout her entire body
She knows - she must risk it all
This wild, frantic yet exhilerating rush of new emotions
Her entire life has been by societies guidebook to the normal and to-be-expected
Until now...
Out of the house - she runs
To stop him
"Don't leave!" she screams.
Her cerulean eyes look deep into his soul
Pleading for a glimmer of hope
And then his lips...
And then his lips....
First on her forehead and next on her palm
Her fingers trace the curves on his face
His temple, his cheekbone, his beautiful mouth
Love - all the way to her fingertips
He takes her hand in his and they board the train
Nervous, scared -
but numbed by an overwhelming sense of passion, yearning and new beginnings
The conductors words echoe through her ears like a wonderfully broken record:
"Eight hours...last stop" ... "Eight hours...last stop"
In rythum with the clicking of the train - they lull her to sleep
Her head resting on his shoulder
She awakens to his sweet/salty lips on hers
"We're here...we're home"
Together, they step off of the Amtrack
The cold Boston wind feels refreshing on her still-flushed cheeks
This feels right... feels like home
The sense of home that she's always longed for in her heart
And then his lips...
And then his lips...

Sincerely Yours

If I could rip out my heart, I would give it to you.
From the way that you'd make me feel,
To the things that you'd do.
Our promises spoken lay heavy on my soul.
I can't go back and change the past,
I don't have that control.
Has your love for me lingered through the time that's gone by?
Or was everything we had only a lie?
With you, my life finally felt complete.
So why was it so easy for them to make me retreat?
When I should have been strong and remained by your side,
I took the easy way out and ran to hide.
If only I hadn't closed all those doors,
I could've still been, sincerely yours.

Between the Leaves

I lay on the soft green grass, using my arms as a pillow. I close my eyes and breathe in deep, taking in the intoxicating smell of the Lillies of the Valley that surround us. The sun, like a warm blanket, envelops my skin. Tingles run through my body as you trace my curves with your fingers...so gently, I almost wonder if it's the wind. I turn to feel the warmth of your body against mine. "J'aime entendre votre battement de coeur contre le mien," (I like to hear your heart beating against mine) you say. I look into your eyes, I might as well be looking straight into your soul. "Venez ici," (Come here) I tell you. You slide on top of me and kiss my temples. My mind flutters as your lips work their way to the side of my neck and then to my ear. "Vous me voulez?" (Do you want me?) you ask me, as if my body didn't show it. I try to say yes, the words barely a whisper. I raise my breasts, pressing them tightly against your chest. You move down, lifting my legs to rest on your shoulders. Your tongue, slow at first, like a kitten lapping milk....growing faster, making me squirm and..."Je ne peux pas le prendre!" (I can't take it!) I scream. You climb back on top and crash into me. My eyes close as I throw my head back. Holding onto your shoulders, I pull you into me hard. I look up to see the sun, so bright between the leaves on the trees - just like a Hemingway novel.

Pictures

Me&Kieran 

Me&Mom 

Xmas 

Me2 

Momma, on a plane-tour in Alaska

Uncle Ken & Momma, on a plane-tour in Alaska

Momma, on a plane-tour in Alaska

Simon